Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving in Heaven

I hate cancer. Hate hate hate it. It's ok to hate what God hates and I'm betting cancer is on His list too.

Tomorrow on Thanksgiving day, his favorite holiday,  will be 12 years since my dad went to heaven. 12 years since cancer took him too young, only 48. Too soon as my kids were not even in thought yet and my two younger siblings were still growing into adulthood.

Death sucks. Period. We who are left behind suffer grief not everyone understands. I've lost grandparents and it is sad, but it is different. They lived long full lives and my Grandma Sims was ready to be with Jesus long before He finally took her home. My dad only lived half his life here. Grandchildren he never got to see. My girls love him so even never having met him. They speak of him like he was living in another town and we just havn't seen him in a while... that is heaven to them. They know we will see him there. I know I will see him there.

I still miss him and somedays just wish it had all been different. But it isn't.  I would of missed the good God brought out of the bad here.  My faith has been deepend tremendously over these 12years, not because my dad died... no good comes of that act of death other than the release of his soul into heaven. But the good comes  because I had to rely on God more. I had to seek Him and make choices of how I would go forward based on what I know about my Lord. The struggles our family has gone through has forced me to realize so many things I never would of. Wish them away and I'd have no idea how to lean into Christ, how to forgive over and over, how to love no matter if love isn't given back, how to be thankful ever so thankful for my 3 loves God has brought into my life. For me to be different. Because I am. Life moments like these change us. And it propelled me to listen to God's leading on my life...so many journeys I never would of thought up myself. So many life lessons I had to learn to get here and it all boils down to "that life isn't easy". If it had been, why would I need God? God doesn't cause death, He revives us in it.

And that cancer, it threatens people I love. Some too young. But what I have learned is "do not worry or be anxious but pray" This is where it is different this time...I am praying. Constantly. And I am closer to God than I was back then.  I know He listens, and He speaks to me and I've seen what He can do. I am trusting in all he has shown me in miricles for Blake this year that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! God loves these people more than they know.  God has this and He has my heart and theirs and I will fix my eyes on Jesus no matter what. No, past has shown me that worry doesn't do anything good and ignoring it leaves God out, but constant prayer and trust and love DOES.  I choose peace and prayer and when my flesh leans to worry, because at times it will, I pray He leads me back.

I miss you daddy. Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven. ♡

Monday, November 17, 2014

Cabin in the woods

We went to a cabin this weekend. Stayed just one night. It wasn't our fav place as it doesn't even compare to the cabin we stayed at a few years ago with a groupon. But it isn't about the environment as much as it us about the memories. Our girls are going to remember the first snow of the year big enough to play in at this cabin. They will remember the old swivel rockers they laughed with and the warm fuzzy blankets.  They will remember mom knitting and dad snoozing after a busy week, all of us in the same large room just being together. No agenda, no homeschooling, no housework, no home improvments...just us. Together. Those are the best memories and it was worth the extra money we spent on a mediocre cabin for one night in the woods which through their eyes was magical and in turn make my eyes see pure beauty.

Monday, November 10, 2014

My Biggest Failure

Love does groups are thriving in our church family. I almost didn't go but God had plans.

Last night one question was what was your biggest failure? I had one specific situation in mind from waay past, but I knew it reached deeper and more broad to my whole life than just a specific moment. I couldn't put my finger on it till I read this post today.

My biggest failure is choosing judgments, righteousness, or not good enough feelings in parenting and other areas of life over love in relationships. Comparrison.  

I have learned as my kids are no longer babies and toddlers that all that stuff we focus on so much really doesn’t matter. I mean it's good we are informed and make choices but the point is for us, make it and move on. The comparrision and /or righteous or not good enough feelings are so unnecessary. The relationships we have are so much more important!!  

God has grown me in many years through many hard situations. I have lost relationships in the process. But He has also brought a variety of people who have made all sorts of different decisions than I have into my life to help prune my heart.  The work done to my heart was necessary.  I have been able to mend most of those relationships and I'm praying the last two also will be. Steps are being taken and God is moving but it isn't easy. I have to swallow my pride, bare my guilt and choose love over and over. But I am no longer the person I was.

Compassion lives here more than comparrision. Love lives here more than judgment.  It is a daily choice.

I am so thankful for this post (click on link) to reach into my heart as a reminder of who I once was and who He is making me into.  This writer is a blessing to me! Go read and share, maybe someone else in your life needs the reminders. ♡

#Lovedoes

Saturday, November 1, 2014

1 year kidney donor

I have one kidney. I have one kidney. I donated a kidney. It's been a year. I have one kindey....

Sometimes these statments just fleet in and blow my mind! It's been a year people.  A YEAR!! So much has happened this year. The only thing I'd of changed is Blake not have had such a hard time post transplant. That blood stream infection just was awful awful awful and I'm sooo thankful our Father God makes miracles happen! So thankful that kidney stayed strong and Blake was such a brave strong fighter. I sometimes go to the moments of what could of been...BUT I see where he is now and oh the JOY!!!!!

I had my 1 year labs this week. They took blood to run kidney labs. They were great! Same as 6 mo post. Creatinine 0.9 and gfr 73. Also checked BP, urine and weight. I filled out UNOS paperwork so they can keep track of donors. I will do the same at 2 yrs post.  Then every year at my own doctor and every 6mo bp check, both of those for life. And that's it. Seems crazy that your body simply adapts after they take an organ! Praising Jesus! 

I feel normal. I have energy and my menstral has finally evened out from the surgery. ( I mention this stuff for future donors, it helped me a ton to read detailed donor stories!) For some, surgeries just cause this to go out of wack,  I found magnesium supplements and Progesence plus essential oil on my wrist daily really kicks cramps! That's a huge blessing as they were killer and I don't take NSAID anymore for kidney health. Tylenol doesn't always cut it. I am still numb from belly button down to large incision. I've gotten so used to it it feels normal not to feel it! Surgeon said it may come back within 2 years so time will tell. I still have random pangs on my front right side. Nothing hurts just odd stuff occassionally.  I also feel more off when I havn't drank enough water...so keep those kidneys happy!!! Drink water!!

We were asked to do an artcle in Womans World Magazine for the Month of October, and so Jamie and I did. It didn't write up as we would of liked, but even with all the embellsihments to make it storyline, I hope it brought hope to believe in miracles and prodded some to go DO something for others. God doesn't want us to simply say we love, but to show love does! Even to strangers.

To celebrate the 1 yr versary, I designed a kidney donor tattoo on my wrist. It includes the bible verse that has spurred me to keep going through all that life brings. Fix my eyes on Jesus....That is all I need to do in everything.

On Wed, I actually get to see Blake on our one year by random chance! I made him a Brave monster with our kidney date on it. He has been so Brave his whole life not even knowing he was! Brave isn't the absence of fear it is simply breathing through it all and hoping in better days. Living the moment even when it is tough, oh so tough. Blake has taught me to be BRAVE. I am forever changed. I'm so thankful to know the Burdorfs, a year ago we were strangers.  That seems very strange now!! 

  I'd say, one kidney suits me well! After a year,  I'd still say I would do it all over again. But I will keep the other one! Do go sign that donor card and donate blood and help someone out and maybe donate living organs... so many possibilities! 

#donatelife #keepfightingblake #whengodsaysgiveakidney

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Crafting and life...

Been doing more crafting when time allows. Having so many babies in and out of the house has really changed our daily dynamics. In some ways its very good.. in a few ways its sacraficing. Scheduling is not my thing, but I have had to be more intentional about our errand running and use our time off wisely. My fly by seat personality wants that whimsy freeness to come back...but I know the good we are doing here and that this is a season and someday we will have that again.

We had a debreif from the safe families hosting we did 3 weeks ago. It was good that I had time to seperate from it and truley see the impact on us and them. I pray those girls are safe and loved. It is hard not knowing. But it is part of it. We do not  know if or when we will get another hosting call. It happens night before and you have kids next day...thankful we have more items onhand so we don't have to run around and borrow as much next time.

We have two babies we are snuggling regulalry. One for one afternoon a week and the other 2. 5 days a week. Thankfully they land on opposite days!! They are easy babies and so sweet and snuggly. But babies are work no matter and it has changed how much I get done at home those days and also how much girls and I go out and about. I can take these babies anywhere with me, but really its just easier to stay home. So we go in spurts. It is so nice to live in town so we still are connected to people within our neighborhood! We found a wooded path just on otherside of our block. It is amazing how much it resembles our acerage. Country in the city! God does such amazing work! A sahm down the street has become a very close friend. I am so thankful!

Girls are doing homeschooling well. Kay is so independent and has her own goals set and does well to meet them. She reads 200 page young adult books (appropriate ones) in 2 days!  Samiha loves to do anything learning with me. At her age we don't do anything structured but do enjoy random out of the blue learning opportunities. Copying playing cards (numbers or letters) is a favorite right now.

I have recent issues with acid reflux. Realized it was due to bad posture during the recent babycare and adding crafting to it. Chiropractic and watching my posture is fixing it! I'm so glad it isn't food related as I allready limit so much for other recurrent issues that are NO longer recurrent!  Yay God! Food can be healing. It's not easy but it's worth it!

We are almost finished with our basement family room. Hubs has been busy on that when not working. I cannot wait to add more usable space!

New neighbors moved in next door yesterday and they are very kind. I'm happy to see the cul de sac filling up! Girls keep praying for one family with kids their  age...3 more houses left.

Here are some recent craft photos. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Date rides

I'm telling ya. The things we have done this year have been so heart impacting and even as crazy as it all has been, it is the most I have felt alive and living the spirit on fire as God intended. When we have down time between the crazy, I relish it so much more. But then I'm ready to jump back in again.

The best part...we didn't over think it all. We didn't ponder for years or even months...we just said YES God. My fly by the seat personality LOVES that! Thankful engineer hubs has been able to jump since usually he is the planner. It has grown us and taught us.

Remember that dirtbike hubs got last month?  It has been a huge blessing. Dates are the best. Just us out riding like when we were in high school. I really feel those moments more frequently is what keep us together and thriving through the crazy! Weather is getting cool and we will have to switch to other dates but having two tweens we trust whom our kids enjoy make all the difference too. It's hard finding it but well worth the effort. I'm thankful for the season of soley staying home with my littles but I'm also thankful for the older growing and me being able to have a few hrs here and there away.

So I tell you mamas who can't imagine leaving your littles for a date...it's ok. Don't.  This is a season and someday it will shift and you will feel more comfortable with their age and caretakers and mommyhood. Date nights will then be enjoyable and connecting. Every single mom is different so don't feel pushed by society's standards. Let your God given heart tell you when your ready. In the end, I'm so glad I did.

Friday, October 10, 2014

It's not Supposed to be Convenient

The safe families fundraiser really wrecked my heart. I tore down some walls I was building after our first hosting experience. 

We had fun, ate good food and raised money for a good cause! It was a good turnout!! So thankful two families from our church came. ♡

 I heard a story of a mom who used safe families for her son. It was tear jerking. It helped me relate more to the dad we hosted for. With men you don't always see the emotion, we had conversation daily but it was all about physical of the kids. I never really heard their story. Everyone has one and every one is important. Sometimes we get so caught up in the situation we forget the deep hidden hurts. She spilled her heart, her heart in her story. She told the impact it made on her and the faith she gained through it. Hearing thr emotions just really brought more perspective, less irritation I felt with all the factors we dealt with in this hosting. I'm ready for the next.

Another host family got up and spoke, only they had 3 other families and their parents be apart of the hosting experience. I think that is where we lacked. We had prayer support but really I had one other host mom to text with the last week we had the kids. Support and connection just wasn't there since we are new to the area, our church home is 45min away and we don't know many host families. Just having someone to chat with who understands hosting and foster care is huge. I exchanged numbers with another host mom (the one who had before hosted the two girls we had) and that made me feel more prepared. She had similar feelings I had regaurding the situation but she also being a foster mom helped me see things a bit differently.

But what impacted most was what the one host mom said..."This isn't supposed to be convenient... If we are the one constant in that little girls life then that's a good thing." They have had this child many times, even emergency texts that said please pick her up...and they did. It is sacrafice and it isn't always easy or pretty, but it is good.

And so we wait to see if we get a call. We don't know when. We do still have some boundaries on what we feel we can handle. But they are not as strict as my last blog post..God opens hearts and then the doors open and we simply do. I love this quote by Bob Goff...